SPURIOUSMONKEY

The university of life

Why do men have hair on their chest?

We call ourselves the naked ape. But whoever called us that never really looked closely at us. We are just swamped with patches of lucious hairgrowth intersparsed with patches of almost nakedness. We are the 'patchy haired' apes.

No structure or function cannot be explained by the theory of evolution. Nonetheless, some things are more obvious than others. People often come to me and ask why men have this jungle of hair on their chest. Both men and women are flabbergasted by this phenomenon.

As most things in nature chest hair can be explained by means of sexual evolution. The same process that has given lions manes and the peacock a splendid looking tail has given the 'naked' male ape a hairy chest.

The bottoms of female chimpansees and other primates get swollen and red when the female in question is in heat. It is an advertisment of sexual gender and readiness. When we humans started walking upright our bottoms started pointing towards the grounds. Our women couldn't advertise the fact anymore that they were indeed women. Men got confused. Our women tried to solve this by growing some curves from the back. That wasn't a satisfactory solution. Men confuse easily (ref: common knowledge). How many times haven't you seen a gorgeous woman from the back which turned out to be a man from the front? Hence women enhanced the size of their breasts and a superstimulus was created.

And the confusion about gender had ended. Or had it? Men still had breasts of some sort and men get confused easily. Evolution doesn't stimulate confusion, instead it promotes clearity. Evolution couldn't get rid of male nipples due to developmental restrictions. Therefore evolution decided to cover things up. Humans don't have feathers, instead evolution used hair. Chest hair covers up the woman inside each man and it seems this woman gets stronger with age. Hence the thickening of the chest fur when getting older.

Spuriousmonkey

Professor at the UOL

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