The university of life

The Panda is a vile evil creature

Here at the University of Life we never liked Pandas. To us there isn't much more unpleasant then to have to stare at Pandas in the Zoo. Their beady little eyes, their foul bamboo breathe, their black and white warning colours, their disinterest in sexual intercourse, and the extra thumb. It all makes us sick to the bone. The Giant Panda is a freak of nature: a bear that eats Bamboo and produces green poo. We are merely amazed it doesn't eat with knife and fork. That would make the abomination of Mother Nature complete.

Fortunately the Panda is a major player in the great extinction game and are thereofore quite rare in Zoos. We pray that it may it stay this way although we are all Atheists. But some things are just more important than principles.

Unfortunately unpleasant news has recently surfaced. They used to count the number of Pandas in the wild by looking at their poo. Envision a Chinese fieldworker rummaging through a pile of Panda poo to find a semi-decent intact piece of bamboo and look at the bitemarks to identify the individual.

Alas, modern science managed to reach the field of Pandology. Nowadays they send the same pile of steaming Panda poo to the lab where Chinese technicians in pristine lab coats analyze the DNA and can more accurately identify individuals.

And the shocking news is: the number of Satan's servants (Pandas) is about twice as high as previously thought. Don't expect hordes of bloodthirsty Pandas taking to the streets pillaging bamboo plants in your garden yet, but we are not far off.

We don't see any easy solution to this pressing problem, other than painting polar bears in the typical panda pattern and setting them lose in the bamboo forests of china to do justice to the higher bear cause, but you are free to send us one.

Send solutions to: webmaster@spuriousmonkey.com

Source (unfortunately the journal Science has changed its formatting over time and the link doesn't work any more)


Professor at the UOL

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