SPURIOUSMONKEY

The university of life

Hookworms to the rescue?

Age researchers, allegedly sponsored by old billionairs, discovered the key to longevity: Hookworms!

Hookworms or helminths used to be seen as a deadly enemy of the human species, where they would infest our intestines and steal all the food we eat. They were until this point truly parasites.

But it turns out that we were defaming these wonderful creatures of nature. Exposure to these divine animals can actually extend longevity and reduce inflammatory diseases,asthma, atopic eczema, inflammatory bowel disease, multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes.

After this news was released all stock of the big pharma companies tanked, whole research departments at universities closed, and scientists were forced to learn how to code.

The downsides of a hookworm infection seem minimal compared to the benefits: only poor nutrient absorption, weakness and disease.

And laziness.

The stereotype of the lazy American in the southern States of the USA was not a myth. Children would run around barefoot in these regions due to poverty and hookworms present in the soil would enter through the soles of their tiny feet. Inside these American children of the South they would wreak havoc. The weakened children had their growth affected, were more prone to disease and the lack of iron caused cognitive disabilities. They would become lazy and stupid.

Sources close to a Research institute pointed out to us that many scientists don't see the increase of laziness and stupidity as a major problem since the cell phone already did this in our times to such a degree that hookworms would hardly have an effect. To almost quote one researcher off the record: "Teenagers can't really get more lazy or stupid than they already are".

Here at the University of Life we recognize that scientists can sometimes be bitter about not getting a grant and sometimes they redirect their anger towards that thing that they don't understand

It is an established scientific fact, and perhaps universal truth, that nobody understands teenagers. Not even teenagers.

Spuriousmonkey

Professor at the UOL

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